Thanks Starbucks….thanks for recreating heaven on earth and inventing the fat girl latte Pumpkin Spice Latte. I have now gained 7 pounds in this blissful time called autumn by consuming one of these little fat monsters on the reg. My ass and bank account despise you.

After a 6 month+ hiatus, I thought it would be nice for me to let everyone know that I am still kicking it…and kickin it hard.

Updates: I still enjoy my job and what I do, I have gained at least 7 pounds from being a nacho eating and Starbucks drinking machine (we will address this later…Cardinal baseball and Pumpkin Spice Lattes are to blame) and I have a new four legged friend named Wildo Baggins (Willie).

So, nothing much has changed but I plan on jumping back on the tumblr wagon and riding the wagon fast and furious. Look out. It’s Britney..bitch.

I will do one of 2 things:
1. I will punch the recipient in the face out of jealousy.
2. I will steal them and claim them as mine.

Both are equally good options.

dislocatedgapeach:

fullcredit:

How to make your own Four Loko in 8 easy steps: 

1) Go to Starbucks. 

2) Purchase a Trenta-sized coffee. 

3) Drink coffee as quickly as possible. Retain cup.  

4) Go to wine store. 

5) Purchase bottle of wine. 

6) Pour bottle of wine into Trenta cup. 

7) Drink wine as quickly as possible.

8) Enjoy the sound of your heart rapidly beating in your ears. 

The New Starbucks Trenta Cup Holds an Entire Bottle of Wine 

(via noraleah:adeandabet:glitterandgaga:laughingsquid)

 this could be dangerous.

Background checks and The Ice Cream Man. I would love to know the hiring process for the Ice “Creep” Man. Do they interview?

What does the Ice Creep Man say when the interviewer asks, “why are you interested in this job?”.

There is no way to answer this question in a distinguished, “set yourself apart from your competition” kinda way.

In a direct correlation with the previous question-What does the Ice Creep Man say when the interview asks, “what sets you apart from the others interviewing for this position?”.

Seriously?

How does one answer that question without sounding like they have a need for an intervention from Chris Hanson on To Catch a Predator?

This is a serious thought that I have had for quite some time…and a co-worker brought it to my attention (via work voicemail)…and mentioned that I should maybe blog about it. Fine. I will.

So my next question in this 2 part saga, do Ice Creep Men have to undergo extensive background checks? I wish I could be the one reviewing the results if so.

Also, do Creep Men have to take drug tests? You would think. Imagine if a gonja(sp?) smoker was toking up in his mini-rapist ice cream van/truck….all of those tasty treats would be history. 

Results of this blog post:

1. Men that have the profession “Ice Cream Man” should instantly turn themselves in to NBC’s hit show-To Catch a Predator
2. The Ice Creep Man would be a perfect occupation for a pot smoker
3. The ice cream that they sell out of those trucks is not even available anymore in your grocers freezer…aka…that shit is old.

Make me want to stab my eyeballs out.

Someone go on Aldo.com and buy some shit.

It is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. And it is BULL SHIT that I don’t have any money to buy the 5 pairs of shoes I picked out. BULL SHIT.

Obsession strikes. TO the point that my boyfriend told me to stop looking at the computer screen (with my “cart” of selected items).

Maybe I should donate my left foot….one shoe would be cheaper than two. Compromise. Fine. I will.

“Left foot for sale. Mint condition. Minor scratch on upper deck of foot. Slightly covered by a cast right now for remodeling purposes. Going once….going twice…..”

So weird! Yup…that’s what all of my friends call me. I feel cool and like a frat boy all at once.

J. Lew’s for life!

Today I received a package in the mail from one of my friends in KC.

2 things about this package:

1. It was made out to my dog and included a hyphenated last name
2. It contained fake poop (among other things)

Fine. What is wrong (or right) with my friends?